Saturday 4 July 2020

A Very Modest Offer

4 July 2020 Bulletin
Exclusive Offer
First of all, welcome back. It's great to have you.
I wanted to inform you of a very modest offer. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity you'll only get once. It's not to be missed. It's priceless. Once it's gone, it's gone.
Ladies and gentlemen, on Oxford Street today, I bring you free Covid-19.
Rare animal skins, furs and jewellery to secure your status. Straight from the prime tropical forests to your door, carrying a luggage load of air miles and promises of fame and gretaness. It's like your very own piece of nature, transported to you. You don't even have to move (beyond Oxford Street). Assert your human dominion over these subordinate species, rightfully reclaim their land. Soon you won't have to worry about diversification, consequence, or things being remote or different. You are number one and the planet shall bow to your demands.
I must tell you though. There is a slight catch. This free Covid, despite being prized the world over, for it is money, it can occasion the odd side effect.
I therefore hereby disclaim all responsibility for any conceivable outcome whether that be following science fact, readily foreseeable on the basis of experience and knowledge, blindingly obvious or bizarre. And anything else for that matter too. 
You'll note I have entered the above in tiny text so you mightn't read it.
Perhaps I should have done that for the last sentence also.
And this one.
So my list of known side effects from this Covid-19 which you may consult on with your health doctor or any scientifical professional is as follows:
A high temperature
A new, continuous cough
A loss or change to your sense of smell or taste
For those more vulnerable, chronic illness and possible death.
Other items worthy of note, highly foreseeable, and scientifically known to result in either an increased likelihood in the above being occasioned, that is illnesses following the production and exchange of zoonotic diseases, or otherwise the cause of additional catastrophic scenarios highly probably likely to worsen the whole thing to name a few are:
Irreversible loss of species, habitat and biodiversity
Catastrophic global warming
Flooding and destruction of communities
Sea acidification, soil erosion and loss of food sources
Air toxicity and pollution
Groundwater poisoning and depletion
Uncontrolled mass migration, war and famine
Ultimate human and planetary collapse
So, for today only - trust me there is little time - we welcome you back to the shops to unthinkingly purchase your luxury goods and divest your chain of responsibility. Act now. In the face of all evidence.

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